Thursday, October 28, 2010

Holiday Eating Tips

Anyone who knows me knows that one of the most important things in my life is eating.

I love to eat.

And I am always first in line at the buffet table.

I got an email from my sister-in-law today with these Tips for Holiday Eating, and I felt that I owed it to you all... my loyal readers... to share.

{photo credit}

1.   Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.   Go next door where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. 
And quickly.  It's rare.  You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.  It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass.
Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. 
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
{I would add to this: or anytime after New Year's}
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. {Or never.}
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. 
Apple,Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three.   When else do you get to have more than one dessert? LaborDay?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? 
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. 
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Now that you are done reading my blog for the day... come on down to the Coast Hills MOPS Boutique and keep us company.


  1. Absolutely fantastic. This is a post of pure genius!

  2. I will be following these rules closely! ;)

  3. I knew that if there was anyone who would really... I mean really appreciate this... that person would be you!! :)

  4. this coming from the skinniest fat person i ever met? oh, how i wish i had your metabolism!!