Saturday, October 2, 2010

Jomestic Doi

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I know I don't usually post on the weekends, but this morning I sat down to quickly catch up on some of my favorite blogs before I run off to Beau's football game and I came across this beautiful posting from my friend Lisa on her blog Jomestic Doi {which I love the name of, btw}.

I am going to paste her posting here {because I can't figure out how to link to that particular posting on her blog... what's up with no titles Lisa???}, but please go check out her blog for yourself.  She is a wise girl who loves Jesus and honestly shares her heart.  Become a follower... you will be entertained and enlightened.

scars.

we all have them. they shape us ... some in good ways, some in bad.

i was pondering my legs the other day. yes ladies, thinking about my legs. i HATE them. i have for a very long time ...

WHY????

well, because hers didn't touch above the knee ...

let me explain.

i have always been on the "thin" side. for a long time i could hear the whispers of the women at church telling my mom they needed to have the doctors look at me ... i HAD TO be anorexic. my mom would tell them "she eats like a HORSE" ... well then OF COURSE it had to be bulimia.

they were so smart.

truth is i have never had an eating disorder. i was 5'6" and weighed about 95 pounds at my heaviest. (in high school ... certainly not now ... )

but ... my legs (above the knee) have always touched. it has never made sense to me. how can you weigh UNDER 100 pounds and have chunky legs? why can't they look like Giselle's?

flash back to the high school locker room ( ... i know you are used to the men's version of this story ... but there is a womens version too ... ) and she was talking. she was beautiful. she had features like a real woman ... ughhm, if you now what i mean ... she had these HUGE brown yes and beautiful LONG lashes. and she had "acceptable" legs.

she was looking in the mirror, admiring herself ... and said ...

"do your legs touch?" ...

"well ... yes." ...

"mine don't, they never have" ...

"oh." ...

now. that moment OBVIOUSLY made an impact ... because the other day ... the day i was pondering my legs ... i thought of THAT MOMENT. the moment i decided her legs were better than mine. the day i decided something was really wrong with my legs. and that was 15 years ago.

a wound was cut into the eyes of my self perception.

to this day. i still look in the mirror and think of how much i hate my legs.
and that is pathetic.

to this day. i still look at magazines and covet "non touching" legs like the models have.
and that is pathetic.

to this day. i still want to "loose 5 pounds" in hopes that my legs won't touch.
and that is pathetic.

i want so desperately to grow out of this. i want the guilt and shame i feel over "touching legs" to go away. i want to truly believe that i can be loved with touching legs.

why, oh WHY am i talking about my thoughts and my legs?

first because ladies, i know you have something in there that you obsess over that isn't healthy. i am hoping the sharing of my "touching leg" issue will get you started thinking about taking the fist step ... identifying the problem ... and continuing on the journey of letting it go!

second, because talking about things, exposing them to the world, is cathartic for me.

third, because if you have little girls (which i don't) remember that words ... yours, their siblings and their friends ... cut like a knife and leave scars.

and lastly, i believe that my vulnerability helps others feel more comfortable in theirs.

what is your "touching leg" issue that is weighing you down? my hope is that you have a friend you can talk to and let it go. carrying this around for 15 years is ... yes, pathetic.

2 comments:

  1. no titles because i am waiting for my (web designer) husband to make me a fancy site. it will happen some day and then i will have to go back and file them all in categories ... for future reference ... you can link them by going to the archives at the bottom of the page!

    thanks again for the love and encouragement! i have so many thoughts and experiences that i think may be valuable to share, but never know where to "draw the line"!

    ReplyDelete