Wednesday, February 9, 2011

An Idiot Abroad

Have you seen this show?

Okay, so here's the set up.  Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant {brilliant co-creators of The Office} decided to send their uncultured friend Karl Pilkington to visit the 7 Wonders of the World.  Only they have several tricks up their sleeves.  Ricky Gervais calls it "the most expensive practical joke I've ever done."

It is a comedy of errors, with this poor bloke {I use the term bloke because he's British, and it seems appropriate} experiencing several not-so-pleasant surprises that his friends have prepared for him.  Like a mock kidnapping in Israel, a "Honeymoon Suite" in the slums of India, and a toad "feast" along the Great Wall of China.

Nathan and I watched a marathon the other night, and were cracking up {at the parts that we understood... he's British after all}. 

At the end of one episode, sweet Karl said something that I found extremely profound and interesting.  He said, "I would rather live in a hole with a view of the palace, than live in the palace with a view of a hole."

It made me think... how often do we sit in our holes dreaming and pining for the palace?

We sit in our debt, and yearn to be wealthy.
We sit in the pain of our losses, and envy our friends' successes.
We sit in our infertility, and think of what it would be like to have a baby.

But the reality of what is in the palace is never the perception.  It is all a matter of perspective.

Several years ago, when I was in one of the darkest moments of my struggle to have another baby, I have to admit... I was sitting in my hole, absolutely craving to be in that palace.  I was angry with God, feeling unloved and forgotten.  I knew Psalm 37:4 which says, "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."  So why wasn't I getting my baby?

About that time I came across a commentary on this passage.  I don't even remember where it came from or how i found it, but clearly it was divine intervention

It explained how often this passage is taken out of context.  The reality is that if we are truly delighting in the Lord, then the desire of our heart will be God.  Period

I realized in that moment that I had to make a decision: did I want a baby, or did I want God?  Could I have a baby, if it meant choosing my plan over God's?  Was I really that arrogant that I would presume to have a better plan than God did?

If I am being honest, for a moment {and by moment, I mean a season of my life} I thought I did.

But as I sat in my hole I began to realize that the palace I was staring at was actually just blocking my view of the majestic kingdom just beyond it.  I was so focused on getting my way, that I was missing God's glorious richness in my life.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was tell God that I chose Him.  It was terrifying.  I was so afraid that if I chose Him, it meant that I would most certainly never have another child.  But in the end I realized that God's plan is the very best for my life, and the harder I pushed against it, the more painful my life would become.

So I gave it over.  I handed my life to the Lord.  I told Him that I would love him even if I never had another baby.  I learned to trust Him.  And then I sat in peace, truly content that my family of three was permanent.

I have said many times that infertility is the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  It has been painful and frustrating, and to be honest, just downright sucked.  But in the end, it brought me to a place of complete brokenness and willingness to wholly trust God and His plan for my life and my family.

I no longer live in fear of what may or may not happen in my life, because I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today I am sitting in my hole, content and satisfied, staring at that beautiful Adoption Agency that God built in front of the palace.  I have a different perspective.


  1. Thank you for sharing that, Emmy. This is one of my favorite blog entries thus far. "I would rather live in a hole with a view of the palace, than live in the palace with a view of a hole." -that quote definitely resonates within our home and with the choices we have made this past week as a family. It was a nice tidbit to read in the middle of my day :) xo

  2. I LOVE this, Emmy. Reading with tears in my eyes. We can replace your desire to have a baby with any desire that we have. Bottom line is always the desire for GOD above all else. Thanks for such a beautiful reminder. Love you, Lori. And love your new blog, too :)

  3. thanks for sharing your heart emmy!! i had to do the same thing with the "dream husband" i longed for. it's quite a long story, but in the end, and after 10 years of heartache ... God has restored my marriage to something better than i could have dreamed of!
    if HE would have given me the desire of my heart, it may have been "good" ... but what HE has blessed me with is not only great, but i know it's divine!